"Come on, Brooksie, get in the spirit of the occasion."
"Sit the fuck down, this is a bar, not the Met; and you need to check your habit of putting 'ie' at the end of everyone's name. Unlike Chris, I'll spare you the lecture and just deck you."
"Man, what's up YOUR ass... oh... man, I'm sorry, I know it must be tough to deal with Chris hanging out with one of your friends."
"Look, Jason... if I didn't want you guys fucking, I could stop you guys from fucking. I just don't understand your utter lack of class in constantly going on about it."
"Well, to be fair Brooks, she is miles apart from the tranny prostitutes he usually bangs."
"Although not quite as feminine."
"Man, fuck you guys."
Situation averted. It was as if the whole fracas had never happened. Jay was easy, you could distract him as easily as a jackdaw with a shiny object. The rest of the guys could take some cajoling, but they generally followed along. Joe and Ryan were known to belabor a point or two, but they seemed to sense that tonight wasn't the night.
"So Bender, where's your hot li'l net whore from?"
Then, sometimes Jay could be surprisingly tenacious.
"Dude, let it go."
"No, she's the new love of your life, and we... we are your friends. Come, regale us with the tale of your first meeting, the first time your eyes met hers, your first kiss... oh, wait... none of that happened, because SHE'S A MAN, BABY."
Yes, he did that in his bad Austin Powers accent. The classics never die, they just become part of Jay's vernacular.
"God, tell him so we can move on."
"Yea, Mikey, we don't even CARE anymore, she's from, like California or something, right? Hell man people meet on the net all the time... distance means nothing."
"No, she's from here, actually."
"Very cool, when can we meet her?"
"Oh, come on Mikey, we can play nice if need be, bring her out sometime, hell, it's early, call her now."
"No, you can't because... well, she's incarcerated."
The pause was thick with tobacco smoke and alcohol fumes, and it seemed to last a lifetime. Then... it came...
"Oh. That is too much. You found yourself a JAILBIRD? Sorry, man, I don't mean to laugh, but... YES I DO. She's in JAIL? Oh this is GREAT."
"Jay, cut it out."
"Oh, GOD. PRISON! Is she an embezzler, Mikey? Didja give her all of your credit card numbers, too? Hell, the first part of my theory fits, too... she's STILL a man, in prison, for embezzlement, and YOU LOVE HIM."
"Okay Sloey, sorry man... it's just..."
"She's on house arrest. She's at home, she just can't leave. Something about a illegal stock transfer. It sounds, to me, like she took a fall for a bigwig. We talk on the computer, but we also have webcams. I've seen her, and in a month or two, we are going to actually date. She's very cool, or so it seems. Is that enough for you Jay? Or do you need for me to procure documented identification?"
"So she's a girl, then."
"Yes, Jay. Christ. I'm not an idiot, I just play one on this bad TV show we seem to be cast in."
"Well, very cool, Bender. What's her name."
"Michael. Shut up, Jay."
Jay almost completely stifled his explosive gaffaw. I was somewhat impressed.
"So she can leave the house, when?"
"Technically two months, but she may get done earlier. I know it's weird, and I almost blew the whole thing off when I found out her story. She's really smart, though, and she's a music geek. Not to mention she likes football."
"Who's she root for?"
"That'll work nicely, you being a Steelers fan and all."
"I know, we've already joked about that. Honestly, she's the best thing that's happened to me in years, barring the jail thing."
"Well, good, Mikey... and I mean that."
"So, Ry, you hear about the Cure reissues?"
Ryan's big pet peeve in life is the constant reissuing of catalog product by his favorite bands. He has purchased the Elvis Costello oevure in toto 4 times. The problem with being a completist, you see is that you have to have EVERYTHING by that band, no expense spared. It is more than an addiction, it is a cancer.
"Yeah man, Rhino's releasing all of the Cure records remastered with a second bonus disc, just like the Costello reissues."
"Goddamnit. What's on 'em?"
"You know, live, demos, unreleased stuff... pretty cool sounding."
"does it overlap the box?"
"The FUCKING boxed set, does it overlap? Are the bonus tracks on the b sides box?"
"Oh, no, totally different tracks."
"FUCKING Rhino. 'We collect records so you don't have to.' I own all that stuff already. Fuck it, I'm not buying in."
"I don't know Ryan, those initial CD's sounded pretty rough."
"Yeah, and you still can't buy a copy of Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me that has that song... what is it? Something about Christmas."
"Yeah, who needs it, right Ryan? I mean that song sucked anyway, right?"
"I love that song."
"I'm sure you have it on some other digital format don't you?"
"I downloaded it..."
"Right, so you don't need to rebuy that one ANYWAY, because it's not like the ARTWORK matters or anything."
"Guys, please stop, he's going to..."
"No, B, it's fine. These guys think that it's funny. they don't understand, you see? They don't GET that I have BOUGHT those FUCKING records three times already."
"Four if you count the import copies you bought last year."
"RIGHT. Four times... and it's a JOKE, isn't it? A BIG COSMIC joke. All of these bastards can't put anything out worthwhile anymore. They have lost their GODDAMN muse, so instead, they REISSUE... REMASTER... REPACKAGE... so fucking ASSPLUGS like me will rebuy and rebuy..."