"So you aren't going to the show then."
"Wow. Mikey, do I need to send you a certified letter? No, I'm not going to the fucking show. I have Grace and Kieran that weekend anyway."
"Aw, how are the chirrens, B?"
"Good, good. I don't see 'em enough, but they seem to be well. Dee's been a lot cooler about everything, I'm guessing because I'm not such an ass these days."
"To her, you mean."
"Right, to her. You still earn my wrath every day you breathe, Bender. You will continue to do so until you stop babbling about Lord of the Rings, and stop wearing that 10-years-too-late-wannabe-George Michael-Caesar hairdo."
"How long does it take you to make your hair do that, Bender?"
"And how much product? Hey, Jay, reach over and see how close you can put your lighter before it ignites."
"And ruin a perfectly good lighter? Thank you, no. Bender, I'm going to that show, Saturday."
"You want to get a couple of beers before?"
"FUCK no, I want to coordinate a plan to ensure that I never cross paths with yer too-old-to-be-an-indie-kid ass. You taking this mystery date to the show?"
"She's not from here, Jay. Tell him where she's from Mikey."
"Come on, Bender, tell me... where is the light of your life residing?"
"Fuck you, Jay. I find something that makes me happy and you guys shit all over it."
"He's right fellas, let him be, I chat with people on the net all the time."
"That's because no one in Richmond will talk to you prior to last call, Chrissie."
"FUCK THAT CHRISSIE SHIT, Jay. I told you about that. Keep it up, and I won't be talking to you AFTER last call."
"I don't invite you up to talk, baby."
"Um. Guys? Ex-husband over here. Please stop. Ew."
"Can't stand the thought of your girl taking it up the ass from the J-Hammer?
"The J-HAMMER? Jay, you are SO not getting laid tonight."
"Oh, she'll forgive me, won't you babycakes?."
"Look here, Jason. We aren't dating, and we aren't married. I fuck you because I like to fuck, and you are easily accessed. The reason I chose you and not one of these other, more intelligent gentlemen is because, frankly, "J-Hammer", it caused less waves. Brooks was my husband, and it would be unsettling to revisit that scenario. Ryan is his brother, so obviously, that one is out. Bender is, well, Bender, and it would be like taking advantage of a child. You see, much like myself, these guys don't like you that much. You are here for entertainment purposes only. I let you entertain me in other ways as well. Nonetheless, never, NEVER, interpret that to be any more than it is: cheap and simple gratification."
"Er. What about Sloey?
"I don't fuck Joe because he is Brooks' best friend outside of Ryan. Beyond that, he is my best friend as well. Does that answer your questions completely, you shit?"
"Good, because, I was a bad enough wife without Brooks being made to believe that something happened that didn't"
"So, do you understand?"
"Do you ALL understand?"
All the guys at the table, even Sloey said in unison, "Yes, Chris."
All except me.
"How about you, baby? Do you believe that?"
"Yeah, Christine. I do. Always did."
"Good. Then I bid you all good night. Jay, if you come banging on my door tonight, I promise you that not only will you not be getting any, but you will likely lose that which allows you to get any. Do you comprehend my perfect English?"
"Good. You are an asshole, these guys all know it, but you will not treat me like your bitch. I am no man's bitch, Jason."
Then she was gone. Every one of us watched her all the way out the door. An angry blur of red hair and uneven temperament. God how I love her. Of course all of the other guys feel the exact same way. I was the lucky one, she still loved me back.